We got this apartment because the previous tenants — a young family — literally fled in the middle of the night. Who or what were they running from? Dunno.

But their Scientology newsletter, The Auditor, keeps arriving and it has the most comforting/eeriest slogan ever.

Now go and reconsider everything you think you’ve done or seen, like that awful time you may have accidentally totally run over some guy at 4 a.m. and didn’t tell anyone.

Before you finally confess to the cops, check with The Auditor because it may not have actually happened.